


Nobody Said It Was Easy

by windssigh



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Autism, Autism Spectrum, Codependency, Depression, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kissing, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Paranoia, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, Trauma, Unhealthy Relationships, i can't write happy things, turned Healthy Relationship!, very very loosely inspired by It's Kind of a Funny Story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:22:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24428704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/windssigh/pseuds/windssigh
Summary: They never stopped loving each other. In fact, they might have been too invested. They never even fought; but when one relapsed it just got… way too personal way too fast.-very loosely inspired by It's Kind of a Funny Story. title from the scientist by coldplay.
Relationships: Evan Hansen & Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen/Zoe Murphy
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	Nobody Said It Was Easy

**Author's Note:**

> I'm new here so uh here's this other thing I made yay! also I'm sorry I can't write happy things.... the emo is all I have to offer for these kids but I promise the ending is not sad :) I would never do that to them.  
> I hope this inspires more bandtrees love because these two don't get enough love.

On the outside, there was absolutely nothing wrong with their relationship. Enjoying summertime picnics at the park, sitting in dark movie theaters hand-in-hand, cuddling after a home-cooked dinner; they looked like the average-looking couple. Happy as can be. In love.

(Maybe even too much in love.)

-

The two had met three years ago at Sunset Oaks; both teenagers checked into the psychiatry wing. Zoe was the newest teen patient at the time. After her brother’s suicide, it only took less than a year for her parents to finally realize the trauma Zoe had experienced throughout her childhood as a result of Connor’s own issues. As a child, Zoe developed a sensitivity to loud noises, such as the booming of fireworks on the fourth of July, or the earth-shattering crash of accidental glass breaking the kitchen. If Zoe had made a slip-up in front of her parents, the sound of a potentially-raising voice made her first paralyzed, then defensive; any indication of anger only brought her back to those moments of Connor chasing her down the hall, pounding on her bedroom door, and threatening to kill her. Then, there was Zoe’s insomnia, which worked as both a cause and an effect of her traumatic experiences. It was usually a similar nightmare: Connor chasing after her, Connor pinning her down, Connor yelling. And the scariest part was how realistic it all was- the fire in his eyes when he caught up to her. When the nightmares started getting worse, Larry and Cynthia would wake up in the middle of the night to Zoe’s screaming. Her parents tried to be as sympathetic toward their daughter as they could, but to be fair, they had no idea how to help; and they were still mourning Connor. They often felt like they had to tip-toe around Zoe to avoid the chance of a complete meltdown, which didn’t help any of them. She was soon diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, which branched out into severe panic, paranoia, anxiety, depression, and the like. It was decided that she needed to switch from weekly visits to the family therapist, to a residency at Sunset Oaks for an indefinite amount of time.

Evan’s was a slightly different story. He also had to endure a childhood rotted with violence, and was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and put on the autism spectrum at the age of seven. In contrast to Zoe, Evan’s constant bouts of anxiety stemmed in response to his father leaving the family at such a young age. Evan felt that his placement on the autism spectrum (indicated by his special interests, his inability to maintain eye contact with others, his fidgeting, and his own sensitivity to loud noises) is what drew his father away. In his father’s own perception, Evan was an embarrassment, a disgrace, a sickly broken branch among pretty, flowering trees. Because of this, Evan had a constant fear of people leaving him: his mother finally giving up, his few family friends finding out why his father left, and even doctors that were probably losing faith in him. It’s not like he had any real friends to lean on, and his social skills were only getting worse and worse. He began to develop a need to people-please at any given moment, even if that meant masking his true wants and needs; entities that only enhanced his anxiety. It would always start that way: anxiety, people-pleasing, failure, more anxiety, depression, and eventually: self harm. All of this led to a suicide attempt one summer; the final straw, and the last indication to Heidi that things were way out of her control, no matter how compassionate she tried to be. His mother was loving and supportive in having him live at the facility, for a little under a year before Zoe had arrived. 

The first time they had group therapy, the two sat directly across from each other; Zoe with her arms crossed, stubborn as she tried, and Evan, in his usual posture, hands together and eyes locked on the dirty clinic carpet. Yes, you could argue that this was Evan’s regular stance- but in all fairness, he was avoiding making direct eye contact with Zoe since the moment she walked into the hospital. Looking at her felt like his anxiety was about to spike at any time- not because she was scary or threatening, but because her simultaneously direct yet reserved attitude almost registered as confidence (it also didn’t help that her beauty made Evan feel insecure and inadequate on every level). He couldn’t look at her because he couldn’t let her see him.

It took a few months until Evan and Zoe became inseparable. Since they were the two youngest patients at the facility, it was an easy way into becoming friends. Unlike the other patients, Zoe could see through Evan’s mask; there was no bullshitting her, so Evan gave up trying to. It took awhile for them to break down each other’s walls (specifically Evan’s, since Zoe was much more blunt with her feelings) but eventually, they found comfort in one another. Safety. A trust that neither of the two had ever successfully experienced before. They went from eating meals in the cafeteria together, to talking about their interests in art therapy, to making fun of the doctors during free time, to sneaking into each other's rooms after hours. Soon, this trust and safety turned into love.

After the two “graduated” from Sunset Oaks (they would constantly make fun of the fake printed degrees their doctors gifted them upon their departure, but it was a cute gesture anyway), they decided to move in together and start their lives on a clean slate. Zoe’s parents gave them a small loan to help them get settled with first month’s rent and the like. At first, every small thing felt like a serotonin high; like the ability to go on coffee dates or buy junk food at the supermarket. They were finally free, and now they were adults. They felt good. Better. Like a honeymoon phase that would never fade. But this constant dependency was turning out to be more hurtful than it was helpful.

They never stopped loving each other. In fact, they might have been too invested. They never even fought; but when one relapsed it just got… way too personal way too fast.

-

The couple was lying on the couch, trying to decide what series to binge. Zoe’s head was cuddled into the side of Evan’s neck, his arm around her body and her hand on his chest. They finally settled on some obscure reality show; but as couples do, they got distracted and developed more interest in each other instead.

Everything happened so fast. First they were innocently kissing, then they were making out. Zoe smiled as she placed what felt like hundreds of soft kisses onto Evan’s cheeks and down to his neck, and Evan couldn’t help but giggle at the tickly sensation. After Zoe came up for air and they were face-to-face, Evan took his arms from around Zoe’s middle to her waist and flipped them, so he was on top and Zoe was on the bottom. It’s not like they hadn’t done things like this (and more) before. But there was something about the way that Evan hovered on top of her and pinned her down that set off every trigger in Zoe’s mind.

It took less than a second for Evan to see it in her eyes, and regret absolutely everything. Out of nowhere, Zoe was screaming incoherently. Flailing her arms, tears flowing out of her eyes, she pushed Evan off of her with the T.V. screen’s flashing colors in the background. He landed on the floor next to their couch, petrified. 

“Get off of me!”, she screamed. “What are you doing? Get off! Get away from me!”

The volume of her anger made Evan flinch; but this wasn’t just anyone he was dealing with. This was Zoe, and he knew she wasn’t trying to hurt him; so he tried to push through his own anxiety. He started to shake. “Zoe, I-” Still on the floor, Evan reached an uneasy hand out to her in an attempt at comfort; but Zoe only inched further away. 

In an instant, Zoe’s anger and fear turned into remorse. Her breathing got heavier, and she started to scream through sobs. The tears came more and more, and her face just… crumbled. Like she was being destroyed from the inside out. “How could you do this to me? Are you trying to kill me? How could you? How dare you…” 

Evan didn’t know what to say. He was still in shock and trying to level his own breathing, but he couldn’t bear to see Zoe in so much pain. So he just sat there, on the floor, maintaining the distance Zoe was comfortable with. He sat there painfully looking over her sobbing body curled up into the corner of their couch, until she eventually silenced and fell asleep.

It always started the same. A happy moment, to a trigger, to a sudden outburst, to an attempt to comfort the other, to fear, to devastation and hopelessness and hurt. Their first year of freedom drifted from romance, to relapse after relapse. It didn’t matter which one of the couple it started with; they both always got hurt.

-

Zoe woke up the next morning still on the couch. Evan hadn’t tried to move her to the bed; in fact, he hadn’t slept at all. He was still in the exact spot he had landed, at the foot of the couch hugging his knees to his chest. The T.V. screened Saturday morning cartoons at a muted volume, but Evan wasn’t watching. Everything was so quiet. 

Zoe could tell he had been up crying all night. His eyes were red and droopy, dry from the lack of sleep. Unfortunately, this was something they had in common; insomnia as a result of anxiety. It was a feeling so exhausting that it actually prevented you from sleeping. Your body might be tired, but your mind is still in a state of panic.

Fresh tear tracks covered Evan’s cheeks; the cheeks Zoe loved so much. Every once in a while, Evan had his own share of crying fits. But after the storm, came a quiet kind of sadness.

“Ev?”, Zoe whispered.

At first, Evan didn’t attempt to even look in her direction. After a few moments, he settled his vision on the general area around which Zoe was laying. He couldn’t look her in the eyes, and that was okay. She didn’t blame him.

“Ev… come here. Come lie down with me. Please”, she said softly. Both of them knew that these post-relapse moments required time and tenderness. They’d been here more times in the past year than they’d like to admit.

Evan breathed slowly, still sniffling. “I can’t. I’m… I’m sorry”. He looked away, shaking his head back and forth, and wiped his face with his sleeve as the tears started again.

“Why are you sorry?” If there was one thing the couple was good at, it was listening to each other. 

His responses took time. “I… I shouldn’t have done it. I knew what position you were in and I- I took advantage of it. I took advantage of you. I should’ve been more careful. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I… l” He drifted off into more tears.

Zoe started to connect the dots- Evan was afraid to touch her, because he thought touching her meant hurting her. It was Evan’s worst fear: Zoe not trusting him.

She hated that everytime something like this happened, Evan always blamed himself. She knew he never had bad intentions, but it was like setting off a switch in Evan’s head that couldn’t be undone. “Ev, it was consensual. You know it was. It’s not like we haven’t done stuff like that before, just-” her voice was getting shaky. “It’s all my fault, not yours. I got out of control. I didn’t know my own limits, Evan. Please… please don’t blame yourself. Please don’t cry Evan… I’m okay now, I promise. Please just lie down with me,” This time, Zoe started tearing up.

“It’s just. The way you looked at me? It was like I was attacking you. You were so scared, Zoe. You were-” Evan started to hyperventilate. “You were scared of me. I- I make you scared. I scare you. And I can’t do that to you anymore. I don’t want to hurt you anymore” He started rubbing his eyes and scratching his face; a sensory tendency he developed under extreme pressure. It was a sign of a relapse. 

The signs were telling; screaming, in fact. Zoe sat up and made her way to the part of the couch right above where Evan was sitting on the floor. She layed on her stomach and put her arms around his neck from behind so the side of her face was pressed up against the side of his, right next to his ear. “Shhh… it’s okay, Ev. It’s okay my love. I know it hurts, but I’m fine. Just breathe. Calm down.” She kissed him on the cheek and tried to rub circles into his arms and chest. She put her arms around his, to prevent him from reaching up and touching his face. “Just breathe.”

After a few moments, Evan’s breathing steadied; and thank God it did, because this whole situation could have been a lot worse for the both of them. Zoe moved right next to where Evan was sitting on the floor, and they embraced in silence for a few moments.

What are you supposed to say when everything feels so… fragile?

“Hey,” Zoe whispered. “I love you. Please don’t forget that. I know it hurts… but we’ll find a way to get through this together. We always do.”

“I know. I love you too, Zo”

-

After the “couch incident” (as the couple jokingly named it) Zoe and Evan had many slightly uncomfortable, but much needed talks. They came to the conclusion that the hurt between them was not intentional, but that didn’t make it any less painful. Zoe admitted that it was unfair of her to expect Evan to be completely comfortable around her when she relapsed, and Evan admitted that his people-pleasing only made his relationships more difficult, and manifested into self-hatred. They had always loved and respected each other fully, but they weren’t being fair to one another when it came to emotional expectations.

They opened up a little more about their triggers and childhood traumas, and came to the mutual decision that it was time to revisit therapy; both individually, and as a couple. They also went back on their meds, something they decided to abandon right out of the clinic. After all, “graduating” from Sunset Oaks didn’t mean that maintaining mental health was ever “completed”. 

Therapy allowed the couple to be even more vocal. There were many more tears, a few relapses, and the inevitable presence of shame; but it was worth it. They learned about the dangers and unhealthy nature of codependency, and decided that that wasn’t the way they wanted to love. To help with this, they tried to actively support each other's individual goals. Evan started classes at a community college while working at the Pottery Barn, and Zoe decided to hold off of school for a while, teaching kids music at the local youth center and working part-time at a coffee house. They discovered that intersecting support and comfort with individual accountability was a constant work in progress, and they were determined to keep working at it.

On the outside, there was absolutely nothing wrong with their relationship. They were that couple always holding hands on an evening walk through the city, writing silly songs for each other, scream-singing along to 90’s hits in the car. Not always happy, but never out of love. Because healthy love takes hard work. It isn’t always as easy as it looks.

(But maybe, for the right person, it’s worth it.)


End file.
